Category Archives: Friendship

BOOK: “How to Know a Person” by David Brooks

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How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply SeenHow to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen by David Brooks
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Publisher – Penguin Random House

This book’s subtitle, “The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen,” gets pretty well to the crux, and among that mouthful the word that repeats, “Deeply,” is not to be overlooked. Brooks noticed that while on some level we are more readily connected than ever, there is also an epidemic of loneliness and personal dissatisfaction in the world the likes of which has never before been seen (and so that level on which we are hyper-connected must in some way be defective.) Brooks argues that most of us would benefit from a sea change in our approach to conversation, from asking more and better questions, from listening more carefully, from understanding how the other person’s world framing is different from one’s own, and from changing our conversational objectives (from things like making oneself look good or meeting societal conventions to making our interlocutor feel seen and worthing of one’s time and one’s interest.) In short, we should strive to be what Brooks calls “illuminators.”

The book devotes some special attention in its middle section to negotiating conversations that are difficult — how one can do a better job showing acknowledgment of one’s interlocuter’s perspective while in the same interaction expressing one’s own feelings and ideas.

I found this book to be highly engaging and perspective changing. Brooks uses fascinating and emotionally salient stories from the world, from his own life, and even from fiction. He also uses humor, anecdotes, and quotations to great effect. I learned a great deal from reading this book and would highly recommend it for anyone interested in being a better friend and conversationalist.

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PROMPT: Pet

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Daily writing prompt
What is good about having a pet?
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It’s a friend who may not understand what you’re going through, but who will never talk… and sometimes eagerly helps with the digging when you’re burying the body. Try finding a human friend like that.

BOOKS; “Rental Person Who Does Nothing” by Shoji Morimoto

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Rental Person Who Does NothingRental Person Who Does Nothing by Shoji Morimoto
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Publisher Site — Harper Collins

This quirky little book is the memoir of a man who formed a business lending himself out as “rental person who does nothing.” At the time the book came out, Morimoto did this without charging his “customers” anything except travel expenses and any food and beverages consumed as part of the activity in question. [As I understand it, he eventually began charging a per session fee ($85 USD at the time of the 2022 BBC piece on him that I watched.)] The book does discuss Morimoto’s thoughts about how to charge (i.e. hourly or per session,) how much to charge, whether to find a different financing model (e.g. sponsorship or patronage,) and why he ultimately rejected them all (at least for a time.) In fact, the whole penultimate chapter (ch. 4) is about the economics of his business.

The most interesting aspect of the book is the psychological insight on offer. The first question that arises is why people would use a stranger for these activities, and not a friend. One might jump to the conclusion that the people who use his service have no friends, but this is generally wrong. There are a number of reasons why people who have friends use his service. First, many times friends can’t just sit and listen empathetically, but rather they have to try to solve the problem. This can be irritating because it is often dismissive of the challenges confronting the other person. But also, as Morimoto points out, it also creates a hierarchy (a top dog) in what would otherwise be a co-equal relationship. A fascinating second factor pointed out by the author is that adults, unlike children, rarely have general-purpose friends. Adults, instead, have contextual friends. So, if one wants to engage in an activity that is outside the domain of one’s contextual (work, bar, hobby, etc.) friendship, it might not be easy. There are many other psychological insights relating to what people ask him to do, the issue of reciprocity, and what Morimoto defines as “doing nothing” for the purposes of this business.

I found this quick and simple book to be packed with insights into human nature, and I’d highly recommend it for readers interested in what makes people tick.

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PROMPT: Personality Trait

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Daily writing prompt
What personality trait in people raises a red flag with you?
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Dogmatic thinking and the humor blindspots that correspond.

“Changed” by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow [w/ Audio]

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From the outskirts of the town
  Where of old the mile-stone stood,
Now a stranger, looking down
I behold the shadowy crown
  Of the dark and haunted wood. 

Is it changed, or am I changed?
  Ah! the oaks are fresh and green,
But the friends with whom I ranged
Through their thickets are estranged
  By the years that intervene. 

Bright as ever flows the sea,
  Bright as ever shines the sun,
But alas! they seem to me
Not the sun that used to be,
  Not the tides that used to run.

PROMPT: Modern Society

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Daily writing prompt
What would you change about modern society?
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In short, I think we need to foster emotional intelligence and not just academic intelligence, and we need to rebuild social interaction in a super-tribal world (i.e. a world too big for everyone to know everyone else.) [But do the latter without the xenophobia.]

To elaborate:

First, I think we need some true coming-of-age experience that facilitates a sense of self-empowerment. This would not just be collecting envelopes of cash and dancing a dance or reciting a prayer, but something more akin to being dropped in the woods for a week. Of course, this would require engaged parenting and skill acquisition and not just leaving kids with video games and social media. It seems like a lot of our present problems result from people with no sense of empowerment or the emotional intelligence that comes therefrom. Such people may have passed all the tests but still have “imposter syndrome” and the like.

Second, we need some sort of way to build tribal-scale groups in which people interact with a small group of others repeatedly — in person and face-to-face. The challenge is that this needs to be done without increasing xenophobia, which is already trending the wrong way. I think there is a problematic tendency to be virtually engaged but not personally engaged with others in humanity. Even in I, who am intensely introverted, the social impulse remains, but we live in a world where people can successfully dropout.

Some people get one or both of these experiences in any number of ways, but it seems like an ever-increasing segment of the population lacks confidence (even if they had a 4.0 gpa the whole way through their formal education,) and lacks human interaction (even if they have 2000 social media “friends.”)

PROMPT: Friend

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What quality do you value most in a friend?

The ability to converse intelligently on a wide range of subjects.