If this was one of those “living or dead” scenarios, I’d have to go with Mark Twain. But as it may not be, and I wouldn’t want to have dinner with a box of bones, I’d say Chuck Palahniuk, or — in nonfiction — David Brooks.
PROMPT: Author
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Tag Archives: Conversation
BOOK: “How to Know a Person” by David Brooks
How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen by David BrooksMy rating: 5 of 5 stars
Publisher – Penguin Random House
This book’s subtitle, “The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen,” gets pretty well to the crux, and among that mouthful the word that repeats, “Deeply,” is not to be overlooked. Brooks noticed that while on some level we are more readily connected than ever, there is also an epidemic of loneliness and personal dissatisfaction in the world the likes of which has never before been seen (and so that level on which we are hyper-connected must in some way be defective.) Brooks argues that most of us would benefit from a sea change in our approach to conversation, from asking more and better questions, from listening more carefully, from understanding how the other person’s world framing is different from one’s own, and from changing our conversational objectives (from things like making oneself look good or meeting societal conventions to making our interlocutor feel seen and worthing of one’s time and one’s interest.) In short, we should strive to be what Brooks calls “illuminators.”
The book devotes some special attention in its middle section to negotiating conversations that are difficult — how one can do a better job showing acknowledgment of one’s interlocuter’s perspective while in the same interaction expressing one’s own feelings and ideas.
I found this book to be highly engaging and perspective changing. Brooks uses fascinating and emotionally salient stories from the world, from his own life, and even from fiction. He also uses humor, anecdotes, and quotations to great effect. I learned a great deal from reading this book and would highly recommend it for anyone interested in being a better friend and conversationalist.
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PROMPT: Topics
Anything but myself. Unfortunately, that seems to be the main mode of social discourse in the world. People mostly want to hear enough about me that they feel justified in telling me more about them. I’m an ideas guy: philosophy, science, literature, technology, economy, international affairs, etc. (Also, travel, but that only works with travelers — a tiny segment of the population.)
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PROMPT: Discuss
Virtually anything but myself. Philosophy, literature, science, economics, public policy, meditation, martial arts, health / well-being, travel, nature, culture, food, the end of the world as we know it, etc.
I do have some blind spots where I could not speak intelligently (e.g. large swathes of history, sports, and pop culture.)
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PROMPT: Random Encounter
Daily writing prompt
Describe a random encounter with a stranger that stuck out positively to you.
Anytime that such an encounter doesn’t start with a socially-programmed question [e.g. “Where are you from?” or “How ya doin’?”] or attempt to drag me into a communal bitching session [e.g. “Man, this line sure is slow!”] it has the potential to be a great interaction.
Unfortunately, encounters that meet both criteria are so rare that I’m usually caught off-guard. It’s like seeing a leprechaun or a unicorn, one doesn’t have time to process it before the moment is gone. Still, there have been a few over the years — conversations on topics of mutual interest, mostly.
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A Conversation of Mutual Disenchantment
“I remember being born.”
“No. You don’t.”
“How would you know?”
“Well, let’s start from the assumption that you’re human…”
“I’d like to think so, but what are my options?”
“I don’t know. Humans don’t have that neural machinery at birth… So nothing from Earth remembers its birth.”
“And yet, I do.”
“Mightn’t you have cobbled together the scene from your mom’s stories, the family photo album, et cetera?”
“Nah! It’s too detailed. Feels too real.”
“I find your ignorance exhausting.”
“I find your certainty perplexing — not to mention irritating and slap-worthy.”
“Let’s agree to be mutually disenchanted.”
“Agreed.”
Tiger Riding for Beginners 