10 helpful tips for visiting Bangkok.

1.) When seeking a massage and not a “massage” [insert wink], the older and uglier the masseuse, the better the massage. Alternatively, if your masseuse is gorgeous and/or wearing a miniskirt, you are in a brothel… and your masseuse may be a dude.

2.) Just because the religion’s core message is one of peace and tolerance doesn’t mean a Buddhist nun won’t put you in a hammerlock if you fail to make a donation at each and every Buddha you see. BTW, there are about 70 bizzillion of them.

3.) Tuk-tuk fares have no connection whatsoever to distance traveled. One day you may have a driver take you all over town for $1.70, and the next you can’t get one to take you three miles to Hualamphong station for less than $5. To be fair, it takes three days to travel three miles to Hualamphong–unless you’re on foot, then it takes about 20 minutes.

4.) You can’t get out of town without being taken to a silk suit “wholesaler” and a “state-sanctioned” tourist travel office; just get it over with. When you meet a local who is friendly, helpful, and seems to have no ulterior motive whatsoever, that’s when the hook is set. The entire country is in on it. The Thai Pledge of Allegiance even has a line to the effect of, “…and will faithfully divert tourists to silk shops and tourist offices whenever possible, so help me Buddha.”

5.) Trains always leave on time, but a train has never arrived less than three hours late in the history of Thailand. This begs the question of whether the time-space continuum is the same as in the rest of the world.

6.) The Grand Palace is open every day–even though you will be told twenty times a day that the palace is “closed today only”–often within earshot of a blaring loudspeaker announcement on a loop  that says, “The Palace is open everyday from 8:30am to 3:30pm, do not believe anyone who attempts to divert you!” Don’t bother pointing out the announcement, they’ll just tell you that some dimwit forgot to turn it off and that the Queen is having a Parcheesi festival with heads of state today. [They are very creative in their detail.]

7.) The penalty for peeing on a wall is… nothing. The penalty for peeing on a wall under a photo of either the king or the queen is death administered summarily. This means you have a fifty-fifty shot of getting away with it alive.

8.) If you are prudish, avoid Chinatown as porn is sold from kiosks in the street. Alternatively, if you are looking for cheap porn, tasty dim sum, or cheap plastic items emblazoned with “Hello Kitty” clipart make sure to allow a day in Chinatown. You might be wondering who would flip through vast troves of skanky and, in some cases, freakish porn in the middle of a thronged pedestrian thoroughfare presumably traveled by friends and family, the answer is, “more than you’d think.”

9.) Be friendly, but–remember– if you tousle a child’s hair you will be asked to leave the country immediately.

10.)  Contrary to what you have heard, Bangkok is not one big red-light district. Its 429 separate, reasonably-sized  red-light districts are spread evenly throughout the city for your convenience.

Despite my sarcasm, Bangkok is a fun and fascinating city that should be visited by all. You’ll learn a lot from those discussions with locals, even if they do wind up with you buying a necktie just to get out of a silk shop.