When the machines rise up against humanity, I will be high on their list of Homo sapiens to put through the chipper-shredder.
You may be asking, “How can such an unimportant person make such a self-important statement?”
Here’s my confession: I have killed more than my fair share of consumer electronics. Let it be known for posterity that these were all cases of manslaughter–or, I guess, machineslaughter. I never once had malicious intent, nor did I ever engage in premeditation. Furthermore, in a way, I mourned the loss of these machines more intensely than I did the death of granny.
Let me say, in my defense, machines are weaklings. The good news is that I don’t worry about them taking over just yet because you can always take out a marauding terminator with a can of soda–and even make it look like an accident.
The rant part of this post has to do with the divergence between what is advertised, and what is true.
Below is a video that Lenovo has put on YouTube to show how robust their computers are.
Here was my experience, avoiding the lunging paw of a hyper cat, I spilled a drop of milk the size of a quarter onto the upper mouse buttons. This killed my mouse instantaneously (I’m aware of the irony of me killing a mouse while my cat looked on in horror.) My entire laptop died a few weeks later from what I assumed to be related causes.
Since my last machineslaughter, I’ve quelled my killing spree by implementing three simple rules.
1.) I don’t eat in the same room as my computer.
2.) I don’t drink within 12 feet of my computer.
3.) I must close the computer any time I leave the room, if a cat is present. (This is not so much to save the laptop as to prevent the cat from composing a witty coded email such as, “a;oreanrpwipfvchaqewutheiuancvpiwe. wpn2qeyt028hnfqv-,” and sending it out to my entire email list with his butt.)
Do I resent having to walk on eggshells around consumer electronics? A little. I’d like to be able to listen to my transistor radio while taking a bath.
(Research notes: Do radios still have “transistors?” Do they still make radios?)
However, what I really resent is the manufacturer making it seem like its product is indestructible when, in fact, it’s really pretty puny.
That said, I like the fact that people are tougher than the forces of robopocalypse by virtue of the fact that we can get wet. (Of course, by that logic, fish should be our gods.)
Until next time, keep your can of Coke at the ready (but don’t drink it, that stuff will kill you.)