The Art of Reading Minds: How to Understand and Influence Others Without Them Noticing by Henrik Fexeus
My rating: 4 of 5 stars
Release date: October 15, 2019
This isn’t a book about telepathy, clairvoyance, or any other form of ESP. It’s a book about nonverbal communication, and how to use it to both recognize the true mental and emotional states of others and to be able to influence said states. It draws on a range of findings and approaches, including those of Paul Ekman, NLP (neuro-linguistic programming), Robert Caldini, and Antonio Damasio.
The book consists of twelve chapters. The first clarifies the nature of the “mind reading” under discussion. Chapters two and three propose how both nonverbal and verbal communication can be used to build rapport. A lot of the rapport-building chapters are about how one can subtly mirror another so as to create an impression of kindredness without freaking the other person out or seeming like one is mocking them. Chapter four investigates the role of perception in the processes presented throughout the book.
Chapter five explores emotions. Of course, any “mind reading” of value must capture not only thoughts, but how the individual feels about (and as a result of) said thoughts. Paul Ekman’s work on “leakage” is central to this topic. Ekman discovered that even when people are successful in covering expressions of their true feelings with either a poker-face or another emotional expression, they often made extremely brief “micro-expressions” of their true feelings.
Chapter six discusses the ethics and morality of this topic. The active exploitation of nonverbal communication can bear the stink of being manipulative, and that necessitates consideration of how such activities can blow up in one’s face.
Chapter seven is about “lie detection” and the truth and myth of this topic. One thing I liked about this book is that the author is quite forthcoming about the limited support for some of the ideas that are conveyed, as well as the limitations of what these tools can do for one. Many authors of this type of work suggest that these tactics are iron-clad science, which isn’t the case. The most controversial of these approaches is NLP. Neuro-Linguistic Programming has an extremely stalwart following among many people ranging from salespeople to therapists. However, NLP has not fared well when subjected to scientific investigation. NLP supporters suggest this is because investigators are fighting a straw man by considering oversimplified claims that were never made by Bandler and Grinder (the NLP founders.) As an example, NLP claims that a person will tend to look one direction when remembering and another when imagining. Some within the NLP suggest this is the basis of lie detection (if a respondent looks as though they are imagining versus recalling, they must be involved in a fabrication.)
Chapter eight delves into the body language of flirting, and educates the reader about how they might be flirting (or being flirted with) without even recognizing it. Chapter nine explores suggestibility and many of ideas that are presented are from hypnosis, though the author isn’t explicitly teaching hypnosis.
Chapter ten is entitled “Haul Anchors” and it suggests that one can act in certain ways to trigger desired emotional states in another person. The penultimate chapter is about mentalist party tricks that one can use to convince oneself and others of one’s abilities, and the last chapter is a conclusion and wrap-up.
The book offers a references section, and includes many graphics (particularly black and white photos and diagrams) as necessary to convey examples. Needless to say, a picture is often worth a thousand words when dealing with nonverbal communication.
While I’m skeptical about using some of the approaches presented in this book as the basis of one’s behavior, I appreciate that the author is forthcoming about what is controversial and what is well-supported. Fexeus takes the view that one should try it out for oneself, and draw one’s own conclusions. I also think the inclusion of an ethical discussion is essential as many of these books come off as kind of creepy – not to mention overblown. If you’re looking for a book on nonverbal communication, rapport-building, and persuasion, this one does a fine job.