You’re So Evolved: Love Poem to a Hominid

Baby, I dig your bipedal ways
You could chase down wounded game for days
And walking around on just two feet
You can forage in the mid-day heat
When it’s too hot for those big ole cats
Who bully their way through our habitat


My dearest, it simply makes me drool
When I see you working with a tool
Thumbs opposable, and shoulders free
I’m awed when you throw stones at me
Just imagine how I shed a tear
When I see you chuck a pointy spear


And that prefrontal cortex, oh my lord
You could plan the move of a nomadic horde
One day you’ll be able to add, and subtract
You’ll think–and paint–in the abstract
You just need vocal cords of greater dexterity
To express yourself with heightened clarity
[not in grunts and stone throwing]


True, you’re not the strongest of the apes
And while tigers race you barely traipse
Monkeys climb, swinging tree to tree
You lack arm strength and dexterity
Still, there’s something about you that I just can’t deny
Though you share sixty percent DNA with a fruit fly
You’re so evolved

2 thoughts on “You’re So Evolved: Love Poem to a Hominid

  1. Gr#$t th@t!! Let Grog stalk your wife for five minutes and report back. Would you put up with it or expect her to?? You might be glad she has the wherewithal to grunt No! while she hurls primitive tools in self defense. Female survival in the face of predators; that’s what keeps the hope of evolution alive, my dear. You’ve given one animal free reign in my private life to slay another. Where’s the justice in that?

    You know I appreciate the hell out of you. That said, your persistent blindspot on this particular point has been as unhelpful and sometimes as destructive as mine w/c. Please get your head out of your intellect, get primitive & appropriately territorial; see his behavior for what it is and manage him accordingly.

    You wonder why the other team gets up in your face and peppers me not to trust you? Sadly and perhaps thankfully, their calling out of this particular hypocrisy is not in my defense. Speaking for myself and my experience, it sure smells valid. Your faith in his value seems to defy logic and any number of other principles. And this is not a new discussion between us.

    I have no desire to fight with you.
    How do the means justify the ends?
    Come to Jesus, babe.

    Anywho, thanks for the poem (which, btw, is just as much of a fuck you as what I said to S; you understand that, right? Thankfully, I have a very good sense of humor, functional vocal cords and an evolved left brain).

    This note is from me to you, stalking eyes always assumed.
    C’mon. Please, I really don’t want to live with my back up anymore. This is not an over- or understatement: He sucks the absolute fucking life out of me. Hell of a drain on what was never so precarious an account until this mess.


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